A recent study found that spouses with children at home spend nearly two hours less per day together than couples without children at home (Wilcox, 2011). Less time together may be a result of the sacrifices of time and energy that parents make in order to care for their children. There are sacrifices in sleep, increased financial burden, and a transition into new parental roles that all require time. For many, the transition to parenthood results in decreased marital satisfaction because of the lack of quality time together as a couple (Wilcox, 2011). This introduces two important topics: marital satisfaction and quality time.
Marital Satisfaction
Marital satisfaction is the attitude that a person has towards the relationship. Important aspects that increase marital satisfaction include awareness and understanding, commitment, secure attachment, acceptance, responsiveness, and healthy communication patterns (Parker, 2014). Overall, positive marital satisfaction consists of desiring to and engaging in behaviors that support the relationship (Parker, 2014). One way to support the relationship is through planning and participating in quality time as a couple.
Quality Time
According to the Oxford Dictionary, quality time is defined as time spent giving undivided attention in order to strengthen a relationship (Oxford Dictionary). From this definition, we can see that removing distractions and giving undivided attention, is a key aspect of quality time. The goal of quality time should be to strengthen the marital relationship. The organization for the 5 Love Languages (2009) adds the following aspects of quality time:
- Togetherness or focused attention.
- Sympathetic dialogue that involves sharing experiences.
- Active listening.
Quality time and marital satisfaction go hand in hand. It is also important to note that the quality of the parental relationship directly affects the social, emotional, and cognitive development of children (Parker, 2014). So not only does quality time improve your marital relationship, but it also positively impacts your children. “The biggest threat to good marriages is everyday living. That may sound strange to you. What I mean is getting lost in the logistics of everyday life… having children especially seems to doom personal time for conversation between spouses… but it doesn’t have to be this way. The key to growing a marriage that is personal, and not just logistical, is to be intentional about the connection rituals of everyday life” (Doherty, 2013).
Marriage Rituals
Marriage rituals are one way to increase personal quality time. In most marriages, couples participate in marriage rituals on special events like birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and anniversaries. However, marriage rituals can and should happen every day. A marriage ritual is “social interactions that are repeated, coordinated, and significant” (Doherty, 2013). Specifically, connection rituals occur in marriage when both spouses understand it is time to connect and focus on the relationship. Some examples are saying goodbye before work every morning, checking in throughout the day via text, reconnecting over dinner, and pillowtalk at bedtime. What are some marriage rituals in your relationship? Do you have specific connection rituals to foster quality time together?
5 Love languages and Building a Connection
In 1992, Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book explaining the Five Love Languages that exist in relationships. “According to Chapman (1992), people speak five primary [love languages]: words of affirmation (encouraging messages), quality time (time spent engaged in shared activities), gifts (tokens of affection), acts of service (help with necessary tasks), and physical touch (hand holding to sexual intercourse). Furthermore, people tend to have one or two favorite [love languages] and often show love to their partners using their own preferred [love language], but partners who enjoy higher quality relationships tend to express love according to their partners’ preferred [love languages]” (Egbert & Polk, 2006). The key is to express love according to our partner’s preferences. Pay close attention to your partner. What is their preferred love language (take the quiz to find out)? When we communicate in our partner’s preferred love language to show affection we start to develop a deep marital friendship.
Love Language Quiz
- Now that we’ve introduced the 5 Love Languages, take a few minutes for this quiz and find out your love language. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
Challenge
- This week, your challenge is to spend more quality time together and incorporate the communication strategy of active listening (refer to last week’s article for specific active listening techniques). Plan and go on a date. Some easy ideas are: dinner at a restaurant, go for a walk/hike, or bowling.
- Watch the video with our personal experience incorporating the date night and love language challenge. We hope it helps you feel excited about your date night! Plus you’ll get to know one of the writers for this program.
- Video
- A special thanks for reading AND watching our video this week! We want to hear your experience of date night. Was it different than previous dates by utilizing this week’s strategies? Tell us one thing you learned or appreciated about the quality time spent as a couple.
Survey
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Transforming Marriage & Growing into Parenthood 