“Communication plays a central role in marriage. For example, communication problems are the relationship difficulty most frequently cited by couples in community surveys (e.g., Cunningham, Braiker, & Kelley, 1982)” (Burelson & Denton, 1997). It is important to consistently refine and develop healthy communication patterns because communication is a frequent issue in marriage. This week highlights strategies that open the door to communication, and decrease frustration and disconnect within marriage.
Being ENUF
Have you ever wondered how to get your spouse to open up to you? Psychologist Ken Moses (PHD) created an acronym called “ENUF” that can help create an open and safe environment for communication.
Empathy is a concentrated effort to understand another person’s perspective and then convey it in your own words to make sure you are assessing it correctly. You won’t always get it right, but the effort will be valued by your spouse.
Non-judgmental means avoiding shaming or judging any feelings that are shared. Help your spouse feel that your perception will not change based on how they feel or what they share.
Unconditional means accepting your spouse and helping them feel valued and respected. Always stay present and don’t retreat.
Focused on the feeling is showing your spouse that their feelings are heard. You could make a statement like “I can see why you would feel so anxious.”
Practicing these principles creates a safe environment that promotes healing and growth. It will open the door for your spouse to share more willingly and ultimately strengthen your emotional bond as a couple.
Try this!
- Make a conscious effort to apply the principles (ENUF, speaker-listener technique, turn towards each other) while you communicate about your day.
Boundaries
When you got married, you likely decided on being together forever. Forever is a long time and it comes with some rules and boundaries. Some of the boundaries that exist in marriage are implicit and others are explicit. For example, most married couples have a sexual boundary– they agreed to have fidelity with one another even if that agreement wasn’t formally discussed. After all, marriage is monogamous. Other possible boundaries that exist in marriage include informational, time, children, money, and technology boundaries. In dealing with communication, it is important to establish a clear informational boundary.
What is an informational boundary? What can be shared with family members, friends, and children? To create this boundary, the couple should define what is safe versus what is off-limits to discuss with people outside of the marriage. Couples are more likely to break the informational boundary when they don’t explicitly talk about it.
Often when marital frustrations arise, it is easy to rant and express dissatisfaction in front of friends and family. Research shows that “family and friends can contribute to the quality of a marriage by supporting the relationship and being a marriage friendly listener in times of trouble, but those studies also show that the effects can also cut the other way. Confidants can interfere with the trajectory of a marriage when they take sides, for example, or when they intentionally or unintentionally encourage you to focus on traits in your spouse that irritate or anger you” (Doherty, 2013). Set yourself, marriage, family, and friends up for success by creating some ground rules. Examples of ground rules include only discussing marital issues with your spouse. Don’t belittle your spouse in front of friends and family. Treat your marriage as a top priority because, the fact is, “friends are either supporters of your marriage or underminers of it. There is no neutral ground” (Doherty, 2013).
Try this!
- If you haven’t established some already, create an informational boundary with your spouse.
Four Horsemen
Communication is hard and becomes even harder in marriage. Breakdown in communication can happen for a number of reasons. Relationship expert, John Gottman, cites the “four horsemen”– criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling– as contributing factors. Perhaps these sound familiar if one or all of these exist in your own marriage.
How do we avoid these “four horsemen?” One suggestion is the speaker-listener technique that helps you practice active listening. When having conversations, especially hard conversations, listen carefully to what is actually being said. “The goal of active listening is to hear your spouse’s perspective with empathy and without judging him or her” ( Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Speaker-Listener Technique
1) Take turns. This ensures that each partner has the chance to express themselves.
2) Don’t give unsolicited advice. Avoid minimizing the problem. Even if it doesn’t seem like a big problem to you, it probably is for your spouse.
3) Show genuine interest. Often this can be demonstrated by maintaining eye contact.
4) Communicate understanding. Empathize with the problem your spouse is explaining and start by paraphrasing what they said followed by why it is frustrating.
5) Take your spouse’s side.
6) Express a “we” against others’ attitude and show your support.
7) Express affection.
8) Validate emotions.
Turn Toward Each Other
To increase communication in marriage, it’s important to cultivate an attitude of turning toward each other, or an “us” against the world attitude. What does this mean? One interpretation is to create happiness in your circumstances. Engaging in activities around the house together such as reuniting at the end of the day, eating dinner together, doing house chores together, or enjoying a good book creates the shared meaning mentioned above. These tasks provide opportunities to practice a positive outlook as you find joy in sharing everyday tasks. “Positive emotions can be contagious and, if experienced frequently, they can lead to a habitual mindset that drowns out negative emotions and reactions (Fredrickson, 2001)” (Bradley & Hojjat, 2017). A positive mindset is essential for marriage and “once your marriage gets set at a more positive level, it will be harder to knock it off course” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Try this!
- Think about a time of day when you can talk to your spouse uninterrupted for 5-10 minutes. Set this time aside with your spouse, whether it’s at lunch, when you and/or your spouse come home from work, right before bedtime, etc.
Challenge:
- Comment below on your experience with the “try this!” sections and how it felt incorporating communication techniques in your marriage.
Survey
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