Differences in parenting styles are reported as one of the main concerns for new parents and if it isn’t addressed it can be a predictor of divorce (Eldemire, 2018).
It is easy to disagree when it comes to parenting your child. Each spouse grows up in a different home environment with unique parenting practices and family dynamics. Because of different beliefs and styles, parents can feel disconnected as they struggle to combine parenting ideas into one cohesive plan. In order to get on the same page, first, find out what type of parent you are. After, communicate and discuss with your spouse so you can build a cohesive parenting plan.
- Find out your parenting style here.
Consistency in Parenting
No two parents will be exactly the same. Being on the same page in parenting is different than being the same parent. So what should you do? Focus on being consistent. Consistency in parenting provides positive outcomes for children. It teaches children, “a sense of self-efficacy and control over their environment, with positive implications for their adjustment (Bandura 1977)” (Lippold et al., 2016). Below are a few ways to achieve consistency by parenting as a team:
- Set aside regular time to discuss what has happened during the week and plan strategies to improve for the next week.
- When you disagree on an aspect of parenting, discuss it privately rather than in front of your children.
- Accept that you and your partner may have different perspectives on some issues. You can both have valid and different perspectives. The overall goal is to come together to decide how you want to raise your children.
- Avoid lecturing your partner. Instead of saying: “You always overreact to things.” Try saying: “When Charlie didn’t clear the table, you seemed to get very upset and angry.”
Discipline
Discipline can be a hard topic to navigate. To get a better idea of what it is let’s look at a basic definition. Discipline is defined as training that corrects, molds, strengthens, or perfects (The Center for Parenting Education, 2020). Think of yourself as a teacher and your children as your students. See the chart below for an explanation of discipline versus punishment.
The authoritative parenting style is one that emphasizes discipline with the goal to teach children rather than punish them. In fact, it is referred to as the optimal parenting style. “Authoritative parenting fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making” (Hawkins et al., 2012). In short, if there was such a thing as a perfect parent, they probably adopted the authoritative parenting style.
As married couples try to figure out the best way to raise their children, remember “kind looks, kind actions, [and] kind words” (Young, 1864, p. 2) help increase bonding and security with children. Kindness is a simple way to develop an emotional connection with your children and show them they are loved.
Honesty
Now that you’ve identified your personal parenting practices, discovered strategies for consistency, and understand the benefits of discipline, consider the following scenario: you ask your child if they ate the last cookie to which they respond “no” almost instantly all while cookie crumbs are dropping out of their mouth. Some might brush this small experience with lying off. After all, he’s only two years old. However, it is important to model good behavior while children are young. Lying is a small action that can have big consequences. How do you teach honesty? “One way that children may learn about the acceptability, consequences, and value of honesty or dishonesty is by observing those around them telling lies or the truth. It has been suggested that children who witness parents and others lying are more likely to be dishonest themselves (Stouthamer‐Loeber, 1986) – possibly as a result of social learning” (Engarhos et al., 2020).
As parents, it is our duty to teach our children right from wrong and in this case, dishonesty versus honesty. One powerful way to teach is leading by example. Another agent of influence over children is “moral stories, which [model] the positive outcomes of truth‐telling” (Engarhos et al., 2020). Moral stories teach that honesty is the best policy. Children will want to tell the truth when positive feedback is associated with the behavior. Practicing honesty is hard because it is a learned behavior. Focus on celebrating the positives and give children a reason to tell the truth.
Challenge
To start aligning your parenting goals, discuss one or more of the points listed below with your spouse.
- Explore each of your families of origin. Talk about how you were raised and how that affects your parenting.
- Describe what you think your partner does well in parenting as well as areas where both of you could improve.
- Talk about ways that your spouse can support you as a parent.
- Each of you share character traits (honest, creative, athletic, caring, intelligent, etc.) that you value and feel are important for your children to develop. Discuss differences as well as traits you agree on.
The purpose of this challenge is to begin creating parenting goals that are important for you and your spouse. We look forward to hearing about your experiences! Comment with one of your new goals.
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Transforming Marriage & Growing into Parenthood 